What Do Other Widows Do On Father's Day?

Here is a reprint from a few years ago, but it's timeless...

For all of you with children, I was wondering if you've any tips and suggestions for dealing with Father's Day this Sunday? Have you developed new traditions? Do you ignore it? Acknowlege it? Attend church/skip church? Your answers might be key for other readers here at Widows Christian Place. To start us off, here are some comments from some women who've gotten past that first year.

JB: Ferree, right or wrong I have let my children decide. The first year was tough because my then 22-yr-old daughter's birthday fell on Father's Day. She was born on Father's Day and it only lined up one other time. She had been looking forward to that next time it happened again. I flew to Wyoming to spend the day with her and we ate brunch out and went hiking. My younger kids, whose ages ranged 10 to 15 chose to stay home and keep things quiet with one of their other older sisters. Last year they also chose to skip church and we just spent a quiet day at home. I didn't make a big deal of it, we all knew what was going on. We did talk about it in the days leading up to it. From what I am gleaning so far the choice this year seems to be to skip church and spend the day here. My kids at home are now 12, 14 and 17. Just like any of us, it is not that they couldn't make it through church, it is just that they don't want to sit and be reminded of what they don't have and how great it is.

TSB: Named days - growing to hate them! Not only do I miss the husband who was such a great dad and Gramps, it is the second anniversary weekend of my own Daddy's death. Last year I made charitable donations in the name of those two men. Not sure how my adult son handles it or if he is establishing a tradition.

AE: My kids are grown and Father's Day falls really close to the time their father died. So we are doubled up. I think my children are shifting focus to the father in their own families with, of course, memories of their great Dad. I will let it be their choice. I am with you TSB, I hate named days. I am more conscious of honoring my own father since my husband is celebrating with his Heavenly Father and reunited with his own father in paradise. What a party!


RO: We had our Father's Day a couple of weeks ago in our country. My son went out fishing with a friend. My little girls and I stayed home and talked about dad. I realized it was so important for them especially the younger one to know that the day was dedicated to dads, so she drew lotsa stuff for him which we stored in her memory box (everything she says about dad or draws for him is stored in there). We finally cooked his favorite meal together and everyone was happy!

BJ: My Dad died a year and a half before my husband died. We go away on Father's Day weekend to one of our favorite get aways. It is now a great vacation weekend. Praise the Lord! I/we work hard to keep heart and focus on The Lord. He takes care of me and my children. Our Father. And we are so grateful. Truly.

MG: Last year, our first Father's Day without him, I decided to take my kids to the beach and not acknowledge the day. I'm sure the older ones were aware of the day. My husband never liked making a big deal about Father's Day or Mother's Day. He would acknowledge the day but not plan anything specific. I think we will attend church and whatever happens, happens.

LVW:  Joe died on Father’s Day 2011. I have gone to church every Father’s Day since then and I will be there again this year. Last week at choir practice, the lyrics to the anthem we are singing next Sunday really hit me. So I thought I’d share them with you.

"Father's Day Medley"
In praise of fathers who put their trust in the Lord,
Who teach their children to love and live His holy Word.
With thankful hearts we lift this song to men who walk in love;
For fathers we give all our praise to the Father up above.
Thank you, dear Lord, for godly men,
Who, in their homes each day,
Lovingly lead their families
Patiently show the way.
Thank you, dear Lord, for Christian homes,
And for the peace we share.
When godly men on bended knee
Lead us to You in prayer.

It sure made me think of how thankful I am for my own dad who the Lord has blessed us with for 90 years. (By the way, he sings tenor still in choir!) And it also made me think that even when our husbands and our own daddies are gone from this world, that we have our Heavenly Father who is with us always through the Holy Spirit. I’m not saying that it’s easy by any means. I still cry and my heart aches- to be sure. But I try to focus my thoughts on celebrating all those fathers in my life who God has blessed me with……some here and some above. Immersing myself in thoughts of thankfulness on Father’s Day helps to balance the pain of remembering that first sad Father’s Day when I got the call that Joe was gone.

LD:  Father's Day ...without my Dad or Dave...let's just say I wasn't looking forward to it. Another widow put a different spin on the day-- We have the most wonderful heavenly Father who loves us and never leaves us! So I will be celebrating Happy God The Father Day! To honor my Father I am planning on doing an act of kindness to show God's love in a practical way.

Aren't these helpful? This is a good look at what happens in our Lifeboat groups on Facebook. Send me a "friend request" and a message with the word "Lifeboat" if you'd like to join. 

Which ever way you choose to spend Father's Day this year, please know that I'll be praying for you and that God your eternal Father holds you close.
♥ ferree

Widow to Widow ... Inspiration Happens

 

A widow posted this saying on Facebook, with her own exclamation----"I want this on my tee-shirt!" Figuratively speaking, I'm sure her wish has already been granted.

 

Widows inspire people every day---whether they intend to or not!

 

A widow can especially help another widow by simply sharing the burden. Listening lightens our load. Hearing how someone is honestly facing her challenges affirms that you'll make it too.

It's not all about "me" when we inspire others. It's just about being open and honest. When we offer another widow the rare and sacred privilege of walking together, it helps each one to not give up. 

 

There will also come a day when we'll long to hear Someone else's good words too. Not that we inspired Him, for He is the source of inspiration, but rather that we've finished well. Don't you look forward to hearing Christ say, "Well done, thou good and faithful servant ... Enter in ..."?

 

Step by step, moment by moment ... As we take on each day, determine to live it well and to God's glory. We can't control how things will play out, but one thing for sure---a widow is inspirational! 

The key to influencing and inspiring those around you in a good way is found in these words of Jesus:

I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. John 15:5 (NIV)

Stay close to Him today, my friend!

♥ ferree

Soul Food

If we could see the souls of people like we see their bodies, do you think they'd be just as skinny or plump, short or tall, old or young, happy or sad as the people we see every day? Imagine! I'll bet folks would get interested in health, fashion and exercise for their soul mighty quick!

Well, I'm glad my soul is unseen. The body gives me enough problems of its own! But I do realize that at times I'm spiritually much happier and healthier and it often depends on what sort of "soul food" I'm taking in---or if I'm taking any at all.

A daily "Quiet Time" is food for your soul. Just as we take time to nourish our bodies with food and vitamins, we need to take time each day to build ourselves up spiritually. It's an intentional time to visit with God. He "speaks" to us through what we read in the Bible; we speak to Him through prayer; and if we've become a follower of Christ, a child of God, a believer, a Christian or whatever other way you like to define it, there is an added element of having the Holy Spirit residing inside which brings spiritual insight, comfort, peace, understanding and so much more.

My quiet time is first thing in the morning along with a hot cup of coffee, piece of toast with melty peanut butter or a muffin. I follow a Bible reading schedule just about every day, I write down the verses or thoughts that catch my interest, and then I talk to God about them plus the many things in my life I'm concerned about. That's my "soul food," and each day God serves up His ideas, encouragement and strength!

How about you? Do you intentionally nourish yourself spiritually? I'd love to hear about the devotionals, Bible reading plans, books or websites you use. Feel free to share your tips for soul food today.

♥ ferree

How ARE You?

Have you heard this question enough? How Are You? 

Writing your own "grief letter" can be a cathartic and useful thing to do when faced with trying to answer this over and over again. It helps your friends know how you truly are because they'll take time to read it, and you won't be caught off guard and mumble, "I'm fine, just fine," meanwhile wondering how in the world they expect you to define the universe with a simple answer.

If you've attended GriefShare, you might recall that Dr. H. Norman Wright suggests writing such a "grief letter" and provides some samples. Today I have one for you too, posted on Facebook by a widow who's allowed me to share it with you.

So take time to read Kristin's letter, and then try composing your own. Nothing fancy, nothing perfect. Life isn't perfect so your letter doesn't have to be either. Just heartfelt and honest. It'll help. If you're going to an event where you'll see a lot of people who will ask the dreaded question, print off copies on 3x5 cards. Don't write it when you're angry, but do let your friends know specific ways they can help you or pray for you.

Here's how Kristin did hers on her Facebook wall:

People ask how I am because it's a common American greeting, the polite thing to do, and they don't know what else to say. Then I don't know what to say-- it takes to long to explain. I finally posted the following on my wall.

People ask me how I am, and I'm never sure what to say. "I'm OK." I am. I'm financially secure, I have a lot of help (sometimes too much...), I have two great kids, and I have summer plans that I'm looking forward to. I know God has plans for me, plans to prosper me and not to harm me. I know I'll be fine. I'm OK.

But my heart hurts. There have been some days when it's like a little scab, and my heart gives a sad, wistful, smile. On those days, I think "yes, I can live like this, and enjoy life. Life is good." I'm hoping for more of those days, because it's more common that my heart feels like half of it has been chopped off. My heart gives off silent sobs that play in the background of everything I think and do. I have comfort in where Adam is, and God's plan for my life, but that doesn't keep my heart from hurting. In spite of all this, I still know I'll be fine. I'm OK.

So when you ask me how I am, know that I'm not trying to be misleading, I really am OK. But also know that I miss Adam, and that will never change. Some days I miss him more than others, but even on the days I miss him the most (which has nothing to do with how the day is actually going), I still know I'll be fine. I'm OK.
Copyright 2013 by Kristin Kay Smith, used with permission.

Now it's your turn--- How are YOU?
 

Have You Written An Anniversary Letter?

My blogger and writer friend Kathy Bellows posted a letter to her husband for their would-have-been anniversary on May 10. That might sound like a pretty sad letter, and she honestly talks about the sadness. But reading it showed me a difference between sadness and sorrow, and also how she exchanges her sad and depressing thoughts for the true and comforting promises of God.

We can learn a lot from Kathy and the trials she has faced. Please visit her blog, Sorrow to Victory at http://sorrowtovictory.wordpress.com/
or click here to go directly to An Anniversary Letter to My Husband.

I'm sure she'd love to hear from you, so please leave a comment if you can, and let her know how you found her. Her book, pictured here, may be ordered on her site, too, and it follows the journey of the two-year battle with her husband's cancer---God's faithfulness during that time and in the days after her husband died. Telling her story in this way has been a great help and encouragement to the many people who've read her book.

The Lord might not have you write a whole book about your widowhood experience (then again, maybe He might!), but writing a letter to your husband might be something that will help you. Pray about it, and if you're inclined, give it a try when the time is right.   
♥ ferree

A Page Of Life

On Tuesdays we focus on re-telling our story. In the early days of grief many widows find what has happened such a shock that they need to hear themselves tell it over and over again. Also, it's human nature to desire to remember the past. So today I'd like to give you a little tool that will both help you tell your story and remember what life was like. This "tool" is a page from my book, Postcards from the Widows Path.
In the book, each chapter ends with a journaling exercise. The page I've copied here for you is from chapter one, and gives you a way to prompt memory, get your bearings and mark this time in your life. Copy and print it, fill it out. And then, six months from now take a look at it to see what sort of changes and improvements God has brought to you, OK?
Here's from the book...

 

Please let me say how sorry I am for your loss. I’m sorry you’ve been knocked through grief’s doorway to this marathon of sorrow.

And then let me say how glad I am that you’ve found this guide. As I introduce you to Naomi, full of despair, and Ruth, full of determination, you’ll discover worthy role models and teammates. Their examples will not only point out the dangerous valleys and blind canyons of grief, but also the profound beauty and breathtaking meaning of eternity.

We’re running a race! No, it’s not by choice, but nevertheless we must run. Let this page mark the starting point of what will become your extraordinary path to hope and purpose.

Fill in the blanks for your own imaginary postcard, addressed to yourself, your loved one, or to God.

 

Dear ________,

I’m pretty ordinary, like Naomi.

Here’s what my life was like before my loss:

I lived in ____________.

My family members were__________________________________.

Some of my friends were________________________________.

My occupation was_____________________________.

I went to church at_______________________.

People described me as__________________________________.

The best way to describe my race is that I (circle one of the following words)

Run       Walk       Limp       Stagger       Crawl

I have no idea what the future will bring.

From,

_________

Don't forget to read your answers in six months from now to see how life has changed. If you'd like, you can email them to me, and I'll email them back to you around November 13! WCplace@gmail.com

♥ ferree

"Help! I Didn't Write An Obituary!"

Last Tuesday we took a look at obituaries-- the baggage and blessing they hold, and I admitted I must have gotten an "F" on my husband's. I've learned a few things since, though, and even more since I began this topic back in March with The Obituary & Death Notice.  Today we'll see some suggestions and alternative solutions to obituaries. If ideas or questions pop up while you scan the list today, please comment! Others will benefit from your voice.

There are two basic things to remember about obituaries:

1). An obituary is different from a death notice. The death notice is posted in the newspaper like a classified ad. It's often a legal requirement and often the funeral home will take care of it for you. It's costly for each word or line, so just the basic facts are necessary. The obituary is more personal. Large newspapers might only post obituaries of public or more famous people.

2). An obituary is optional. Some widows choose against them for fear of identity theft. For others, they are a must-have for the family and community. 

If you regret not having an obituary, here are some options I've heard from other widows.

1). Talk to the Lord about your feelings or regrets over this issue. Ask Him to lead you to write something, or to give you a peace about letting it rest.

2). Write a loving memorial on the one year anniversary. You could pay to put it in the newspaper, or mail it out yourself to friends, neighbors and loved ones.

3). See if the funeral home you used has a website where you could post a memorial. Let friends and family know if and when you do, and perhaps they'd like to write something, too.There are also many memorial sites online, just google the keywords you're interested in. Or use the Memorial Wall here on the WCP, or post a tribute as your status update on Facebook.

4). For further help and suggestions about this topic, visit this website: Avoid Pitfalls When Writing An Obituary

In any case, it's never too late to create a memorial or tribute to your husband. This is part of telling your story, and if it's important to you, it's important to do!
♥ ferree


 

Obituaries: How Did You Do?

Did you get an F on your husband's obituary?

I'm pretty sure I did. I still feel a guilty twinge when the word is mentioned. So I'm coming clean here.

In my defense, let me say that Bruce died at the wrong time of day, right at supper time. So it's his fault he wasn't listed in the morning paper. Of course I'm being facetious, but there was a time factor for both me and the newspaper. Newspapers have deadlines and they don't yell "Stop the presses!" for obituaries.

For me---writing an obituary an hour after he died? We didn't even have the meal I'd cooked that night! I threw it out when I got home from the hospital. Or maybe I threw it out the next morning, or the next week when I might have found it still in the oven. I truly don't remember. But I do remember my brain was numb and frozen. I couldn't eat, and I sure couldn't write. Over the next couple days we got one in the paper, but I don't know how. I have no idea who wrote it. Maybe I did; but maybe I didn't. It didn't matter at the time. Oops, I mean it didn't matter to me at the time.
It did matter to other people though. And here's what I began to understand:

First off, obituaries are often the last written record of a person's life, so people attach a lot of emotion to them. Everyone wants their own copy of the obituary (buy a bunch of newspapers that day!) These news clippings will be passed down from generation to generation, tucked into the family Bible, sent out with thank you notes, etc., and become important links for geneologists.

Also, people who subscribe to a local newspaper often rank reading the obituaries right up there with the headlines on the front page! I learned by experience that if they don't see your husband's obituary at the time of death they will feel outright stupefied and angered. Not that they have any right to, they just do. 

Now that I think about it, they really are kind of special, aren't they?
But what if you didn't put one in the paper? Then what?

Next Tuesday when we come back to this topic under the Retelling Your Story label, we'll see some suggestions and alternative solutions to obituaries. I began this topic back in March with The Obituary & Death Notice, so if you click back to that article you'll find more help and clarification. In the meantime, post your experiences or questions in the comment box and we can work through this together.
♥ ferree

Cathy's Comfort Box

I received this little note with a great idea from a widow who's been following this blog. With her permission I'm going to share it with you today, and hope that you and some others will reply and say what items you'd add to a "Comfort Box."

Ok, Ferree...I have been thinking of this ever since your Low Spots in Grief post. I think it also applies to the roller coaster ride of emotions we often experience with grief.
 
You know how you are going along pretty well and then without much warning you find yourself back down in the valley? This has happened to me many times to count... I've seen others write about this too. The problem is that once you bottom out back down in the valley sometimes you feel so sad that you forget what it's like when you're not in the valley.
 
Follow me? If not; go get a cookie and come back.☺
 
Wouldn't it be nice if when you find yourself back down in the valley you'd also find something there waiting for you? I was thinking... what if you left yourself a "Comfort Box" that you could turn too?
 
For example in my Comfort Box I could choose to put some of the following items:

• A Bible
• Note cards with my favorite Bible Verses
• A letter to myself letting me know I'm going to be ok and this is only temporary.
• A note card with all my blessings written out
• A special "happy" memory of my husband (picture, letter, or any other physical item)
• My Postcards from the Widows’ Path book ☺
• A list of phone numbers of people I can call if I need to talk.
• A CD with my favorite Christian songs to listen too.
• My favorite quotes/poems to read.
• My favorite movie to watch.
• Tissues (no explanation there)
• Water Bottle (crying can cause you to become dehydrated)
• My favorite mug and a package of my favorite hot chocolate
• Chocolate...
• More chocolate...

Get it? The Comfort Box could hold any postive stuff that would help during this time.
I thought this would be a very cool thing for other widows to make for themselves too. It's like they can turn to their Comfort Box when they need it.

Readers, what would you add to a Comfort Box? I know I could have used one. Notes from friends would have been good reminders for me, pictures of my kids, and a list of the God-things that happened...
How about you? Copy your favorite idea from Cathy's list or add your own in the comment line below. You might hit on just the right thing another widow could use.
Oh, and I'd have to add the most cuddly huggable teddy-bear my daughter Lisa gave me that first Christmas. The gift tag read "A Hug from Above."
Hugs to you,
♥ ferree