A Widow's Story: More Than She Ever Dreamed...

Here's a letter from a reader that I've been granted permission to share with you. Are you ready to read about her long-awaited love story? I think you'll enjoy it.  ♥ ferree

Hi Ferree,

Been awhile since I’ve written you, but felt that I would share and hopefully convey to some of the widows that there is life after our beloved ones pass.

I’m sure you’ve seen that I’m engaged and I couldn’t be happier. But it took a while to get to this point…

I first met my now beloved just three months after Wayne passed away in 2012. We went to dinner a couple of times, but I knew I wasn’t ready and that I was still mourning my Wayne. It didn't seem fair to me to take up his time and rob him of meeting other women, perhaps even his future wife! So I made a covenant with God that I would stay single until He introduced me to His choice. I had seen a picture captioned, “Dance with God and He will allow the right one to cut in.” Well, that’s exactly what I've done. I’ve kept to the motto and obedience to dance with God until He brought the perfect one.

Come January of this year, John contacted me again out of the blue, and asked if I’d like to go to dinner. We went and it was as if God had already ordained this relationship to bloom. We'd talk for hours on the phone; he’d come over and we’d talk until 2 o’clock in the morning. We’d take long walks holding hands, laughing, sharing about our childhoods (neither one of us had an easy one), and talking about losing his wife to cancer. They were married 42 years, and Wayne and I were married 20 years. He lost his wife exactly one month prior to me losing Wayne. We talked about how it was hard to helplessly watch them die a little bit every day.
 

There were so many similarities in losing our spouses, and I think that’s why we could cry in front of each other. One day as we were sitting on a park bench sharing these similarities it was as if God had planned it perfectly: we looked up and saw two hummingbirds flitting above us! They'd disappear and then return, looking at us as if to say, "It’s okay, time to live, time to love again and enjoy God’s blessings!" Little did either one of us know that both our spouses loved hummingbirds! She had collected them and mine had photographed them. Only God knew……He’s so good.

I shared with him my covenant with God to remain pure until I married again because I felt it was the greatest gift I could ever give to a new husband. Ferree, he was so moved by my covenant with God that he cried! He explained that he had tried dating other women after me, and although he had some enjoyable dates, he said it was the women who came on to him for pure physical pleasure. He said he told them "no," and they would say “What are you, gay?” and other hurtful things. He said he told them that intimacy was reserved for the wedding night and not to be handed out like a piece of sweet candy. Then I cried too! Who would have thought he had made the same covenant as I had? God did!

On April 22^nd he called me and asked if I could be dressed and ready to go by 8:00 the next morning? Of course, I could! I awoke early that morning to get ready. I have to admit I was nervous because I had no clue what was planned for the day. Right on time a knock came at the door and when I opened it there he stood, smiling. He asked if I was ready and when I stepped outside there was a black limo, a red carpet rolled up to my door, and a chauffer waiting to open the door and help me into the limo! And of course there were neighbors outside watching (LOL!!) I got in and now I really started getting nervous! I asked where were we going and he said, "Well you said you've always wanted to visit the winery that's the same as your maiden namesake, so I thought we’d go and do it in style."

The drive took about 2 hours to get to the winery, and of course, when a limo pulls up anywhere everyone is curious. The chauffer opened the door and helped me out and as we approached the door to the winery, he opened that one too! Behind it there stood three young ladies, each with a single red rose and they asked, "Are you Deborah?" I’m giggling, and blushing, but I said "Yes," and they gave me each of their roses. Then, the owner of the winery took us on a private tour! Come to find out after talking with him, we actually are related by six generations ago! Who would have thought!

We left that winery and proceeded to drive to two others. Each time I was greeted with three red roses. I looked at my beloved and said, "What’s going on?" He said, "I just want to make today special, as you deserve it."

I remember asking God, Is this real? Am I dreaming? How was I blessed to get a such a romantic gentleman? I looked up and said thank you, Lord. Our last stop was by a lush green meadow with trees. This time when the limo door opened there was a red blanket, a bottle of champagne, two glasses and strawberries.

He led me to the blanket to sit down. He opened the champagne and then said, "I need to read something to you. I wrote it down so I wouldn’t mess up." He read to me all that he'd been looking for in his next spouse; that I had all the traits, plus more he hadn’t even counted on; and that for the last three years he had been praying that if it was the Lord’s will that He would let us reconnect again. He had fallen in love me on our first date in January shortly after my Wayne died. He told me he knew I was the one for him, but he was afraid to share for fear that I didn’t feel the same way, and other sentimental and deep heart emotions. He then laid the paper down and reached inside the basket and brought out a box. He opened the lid and asked if I would marry him! Tears just flowed and I hugged him for the longest time. He said, "Is that a yes? I said "Yes, a thousand times yes!" and then when I saw the ring (band was in the box as well) I about fainted! I looked at him and said "Oh My!" My hand was shaking so badly that he had to lay it flat on the blanket to put the ring on. LOL!!! I have yet to come down from the clouds of that special day and I just praise the Lord every day for this wonderful man He brought into my life.

So I guess what I want to say to other widows who doubt they’ll ever find someone as wonderful as their passed beloved--- if you trust God, He will allow you to have that fairytale ending. So keep your eyes on the Lord, stay obedient and trust Him to select the right one to cut in on your dance. God will truly give you the desires of your heart.

Yes, I had many nights that were lonely, many times where I’d be out and seeing other couples interact. Many times I'd say

Lord, I’m ready to have someone special, I’m ready to be a wife again. I don’t want to be alone forever. I know You’re my husband and I praise You for providing, protecting and comforting me during these hard times. But Lord, I need the physical touch, someone who can hold me tightly when things are off balance, someone to share the joy you’ve placed in me--someone I can live out the rest of my life with while giving YOU praise. But I trust you, Lord, and I will wait for however long it takes.

Anyway, just wanted to share and hoping this might help others. (((HUGS))) Deb B.

For the Christian Widower

Dear Widower,
Occasionally I hear from widowers, and my heart goes out to them because they are a minority often overlooked but their grief is as real as anyone else's. Although there aren't many resources for widowers as compared to those for widows, there are some, so take heart. And always remember that God is on your side. He will never leave you or forsake you. He knows your situation, and there are good plans for your life that he will complete, Phil. 1:6.

Local Grief Group
The first place I'd refer you to is GriefShare, a support group with a DVD curriculum. On the DVD's you'll hear from other widowers, and the general knowledge about grief will not only help you recognize patterns in what you're going through, but will also give you freedom to release it in God's timing and prepare for a hopeful future.
www.griefshare.org Simply type your zipcode in the search box to find a group.

Books
Did you know Christian musician Jeremy Camp was widowed? He has a book, 'I Still Believe' that talks about being widowed in his 20's and his remarriage.
C.S. Lewis was widowed, and wrote "A Grief Observed" which is a peek into the private and at times hopeless examinations of his brilliant mind. No resolution is offered for it's simply his personal journal that he never intended for the public, but it may help put words to things you experience. Identifying those happenings will help you to deal with them. You'll begin to know what to expect in this boxing ring, and find out you're not alone.
H. Norman Wright was widowed, too, and his book about the experience is "Reflections of A Grieving Spouse." He's a Christian counsellor. The more closely you can relate to any of these men--their ages, their circumstances, etc --the more their books might help.

Blogs
Online there are various pages by widowers/for widowers. Here's a blogger I just found:
Comfort2theMourning This blog is written by a couple who were both widowed before they married each other. There are stand alone pages for widowers.
Also, R.C.Sproul, Jr. a reformed theologian who's wife died in 2011. He wrote about her the following year: http://rcsprouljr.com/wp/blog/ask-rc/rc-year-passing-wife-learned/

I hope this helps a bit. If you have specific questions about being a widower, I'll do everything I can to help you find some biblical answers. My husband, Tom's first wife died from ovarian cancer when he was 40, leaving him with a 10-year-old son, so he might have some good things to share with you too. Email him at WCplace@gmail.com too. ♥ ferree

Jeremy Camp - He Knows (Lyric Video)

Dear Reader,

The body needs rest! I've found that out the hard way, and I thank you for patiently waiting while I had to give my back some rest from the computer over the last several weeks.

But what about you? Do you need some rest today? Physically? Emotionally? Spiritually? Most widows honestly must answer YES to each one. Try to set aside time this weekend to rest in all those areas of life. Right now you can listen to this music video, and I think it might help you rest spiritually as you dwell on the reassurance that God knows. Meditate on the verses I've listed below, and rest in Him this weekend.

Let me call out a thank you to Donna T. for mentioning this video on Facebook on Thursday. It meant a lot to her, and it blessed me too.

♥ ferree

John 11:35 Jesus wept.(NIV)

Hebrews 4:15 For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin. (NIV)

Did you know his first wife died of cancer? Here's where to order Jeremy's book through my affiliation with Christian Book Distributors:

I Still Believe: A Memoir By Jeremy Camp with David Thomas / Tyndale House * How should we deal with life's sorrows? When a loved one dies, where can we find comfort? With unflinching candor, Camp recounts his improverished childhood, rebellious teenage years, spiritual awakening, the tragic loss of his wife, Melissa, and his second chance at love. His fiery journey refined his faith---and will give you reason to hope in God. 220 pages, softcover from Tyndale.

Widowers Have Feelings Too

As I was looking for an answer to yesterday's question, I came across my treasured copy of "Though I Walk Through The Valley," by Vance Havner, a traveling preacher and evangelist of the last century.

Married 33 years, he penned this book in 1973, saying in the preface:

"... I started writing books in 1934... But now grief and sorrow and bereavement have been my bedfellows and what I once knew only by observation I know now by experience...I am not building up a theory in these pages or marshaling the well-worn cliches. This is a record of months of watching my dearest die. ...I have not revised it but have left the whole story with its ups and downs day-by-day....Never forget, it is a walk THROUGH the Valley and it is the Valley of death's SHADOW. We are not driving down our tent pegs in these lowlands for there are heights beyond!"

The book is no longer in print, but his words still ring true for widowers (and widows) today:

I sit alone in Washington National Airport. All these years I have traveled but never has loneliness descended upon me as now. I find myself instinctively, subconsciously looking around as though my dear Sara ought to be somewhere near as she used to be, reading a magazine, just waiting, happy to be with me. I traveled for years before I met Sara but this is not like that. Now I've had her and she is gone. And the frightening knowledge that I can't call her when I get to Detroit or find her waiting when I return home chills the marrow of my bones. If ever I needed her it is now and it is hard to repress the insistent "Why?" No poor man like this ever needed a woman like that more than I do in these declining years. But no answer is available so I lay it all on the shelf for future reference.

This world was never more unattractive than today. These hurrying throngs of strangers with not a familiar face in the crowd---what a heartless world it can be for who knows or cares! I never wanted to leave it like I do this afternoon but my time is not yet so I breathe a feeble prayer and recruit my limited resources. ". . . my strength is made perfect in weakness," God has said (II Cor. 12:9) and I can say, "...when I am weak, then am I strong" (12:10). By that rule I should be a colossus now for I've never been weaker. I do not question my Father who is making all things work together for good to those who love Him and are the called according to His purpose. And what is that purpose? To be conformed to the image of God's Son, to be made like Jesus. It takes a lot of time and doing to make such stubborn, faulty lumps of clay into a vessel that He can use.
("Though I walk through the valley, by Vance Havner, © 1974)

Check old church library shelves and used book stores and buy up any copies of this book you might find!

On a personal note: C.S. Lewis's "A Grief Observed" contains his personal thoughts and feelings about his wife's death, but not much hope. While that's often the case in the throes of grief, I preferred "Though I walk through the valley" when I was grieving. Each author honestly exposes the feelings of grief and is helpful in that way to the griever, but Vance Havner's book also shows his hope, and I personally found that more helpful.
Another widower, Jerry Sittser, lost not only his wife, but also his mother and a young daughter when his minivan was hit by a drunk driver. His book, "A Grace Disguised" is one of the best. But in my opinion, but it's better absorbed after the first six months or so, when one is again interested in reading and better able to concentrate. Lewis' and Havners' books are quicker reads with much shorter chapters.   
If you know of books or blogs by Christian widowers, please list them in the comments below. I'd love to provide more resources for them.

♥ ferree

A Question About Widowers

Last week the following question came up:

Isaiah 54:5 says "Your Maker is your husband..." so is there a similar Bible passage I could refer the WIDOWERS in my group to?

When I searched for a specific verse for widowers, my Bible concordance didn't have a single reference. Isaiah 54:4 refers to "widowhood," so that's why many people apply the phrase "your Maker is your husband" with special regard to widows. (By the way, just to clarify our terms here--- a widow is defined as "a woman who has outlived the man to whom she was married at the time of his death; and widower is "a man who has outlived the woman to whom he was married at the time of her death.")

But even though there isn't a similar verse for widowers, God has provided hundreds of verses for people who grieve. And there are many widowers in the Bible and books by Christian widowers of today.

One of my favorite verses is for widowers, widows, and all who grieve, Psalm 34:18 (NIV):

The Lord is close to the

brokenhearted

and saves those who are crushed

in spirit.

 

Widowers can also know they are not alone. Bible characters who were widowers include: Abraham, Lot, Jacob, and Judah. Widowers today can learn a lot from looking at the mistakes of these men!

Widowers may also google to find Christian men of today who have experienced the loss of their mate: R.C. Sproul, C.S. Lewis, Jeremy Camp, Jerry Sittser, Dr. Robert C. De Vries, Dr. E.V. Hill, and many others.

 

Life is really a series of losses which we must learn to grieve and handle. Everyone grieves differently, for every loss and every relationship is different. And men in general respond differently to loss than women do. But men have feelings too, and like the person who asked this good question for today, I want to remember that and respond with compassion and hope.

 

Tomorrow I want to share with you a bit about a widower's experience. Until then....

♥ ferree



Do You Feel Stretched to the Breaking Point?

Dear Reader,

Today's post is from a pastor who was once a widower--he knows what it's like. Part of the way he cares for his church and family is to send out daily e-mails of encouragement and exhortation, which I'm fortunate enough to receive, too. I'd like to share this one with you:

"Have you ever gotten to the point where God has seemingly stretched you to your breaking point? The last couple of days have seemed that way to me. It causes one to wonder what God is doing…or if He is really there at all…or if He is, maybe He doesn’t care. Of course those are the questions of a forgetful heart. God does know what He’s doing…He’s always there…and He does care. In fact, He puts us through the “stretch” because He DOES know what we need and He DOES have a plan and CARES for us.

“A saint’s life is in the hands of God like a bow and arrow in the hands of an archer. God is aiming at something the saint cannot see, but our Lord continues to stretch and strain, and every once in awhile the saint says, “I can’t take any more.” Yet God pays no attention; He goes on stretching until His purpose is in sight, and then He lets the arrow fly. Entrust yourself to God’s hands.” (from My Utmost for His Highest by Oswald Chambers).

When we’re going through the “stretch” we need someone to remind us that God’s ways are often not readily understood at the moment of the “stretch.” Sometimes He allows us to see His purposes in retrospect. Sometimes we won’t completely understand until we no longer see through a glass dimly and see Jesus face to face. Then He will make sense of our lives and the “stretching” times.

Until then, Chambers gives us sound advice: “Is there something in your life for which you need perseverance right now? Maintain your intimate relationship with Jesus Christ through the perseverance of faith. Proclaim as Job did, “Though He slay me, yet will I trust Him” ( Job 13:15 ). Faith is not some weak and pitiful emotion, but is strong and vigorous confidence built on the fact that God is holy love. And even though you cannot see Him right now and cannot understand what He is doing, you know Him. Disaster occurs in your life when you lack the mental composure that comes from establishing yourself on the eternal truth that God is holy love.”

My prayer today is that we all learn to trust in God’s sovereign plan and purpose for our lives no matter what. I’ll be praying for you…you pray for me."

Pastor Dean