Friday, November 21, 2014

Feelings of Abandonment

(... continuing from yesterday's post...)
The awful picture stuck in my head was that Bruce and God were having a good old time up in heaven and I’d been left behind, forgotten and alone. Stranded in the middle of nowhere and abandoned.
“My husband left me,” I’d joke sarcastically.

Abandonment: “Of all the grief emotions, this is the most difficult,” says Fran Welch of Grief Care Fellowship, a grief mentoring program.
Not everyone hits this stretch of road on their journey, but if you do, you’re not alone.

How long, Lord? Will you forget me forever?  How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I wrestle with my thoughts  and day after day have sorrow in my heart?
Those could have been my words but they’re from Psalm 13:2: There are many more Psalms that express pain and abandonment.
Do you remember the story of Job and everything he lost? He worshipped God and held on to his integrity in the first chapter, but in chapter 16 he broke down and cried All was well with me, but he shattered me! (Job 16:12)

Jesus Himself, nailed to the cross, cried:  My God, My God, why hast thou forsaken me? Mt. 27:46
Life is hard! In the classic, Pilgrims Progress, the main character Christian sinks into the heavy Slough of Despond. In the book A Grace Disguised—the account of a man who’s wife, mother, and youngest daughter were killed when a drunk driver crashed into him, Jerry Sittser speaks of the believers “dark night of the soul.” And in A Grief Observed, CS Lewis’s journal after his wife died, you will witness his shadowlands.
Such words do not draw crowds of happy worshippers looking for easy answers and paths to success. But look at II Cor. 1:5 For as we share abundantly in Christ’s sufferings…. I think widows get a fair portion of that. But there is hope! The verse doesn’t stop there, it goes on so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too. 

But I was only seeing the suffering part. With that fresh wound of feeling forgotten, I spent 4th of July alone. While the kids had all gone off with their friends, the rest of the world was having parades, fireworks, sparklers and picnics, I was having an epic meltdown. I wandered around my empty house and the walls echoed with my crying and tears. Far more than a pity party. I was torn and shredded.  
Remember the obstacle course?

Abandonment had tripped me up. I hated crying like that. I was so sick of crying all the time. Do your tears bother you? Do you want to just shake yourself for them at times? Listen to this quote by an early American writer, Washington Irving.

There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition, and of unspeakable love.
A song by Gordon Jensen decades ago said, “Tears are a language, God understands.”
God knows our deepest pain. I think he might have heard me that night. Psalm 18:28 You, Lord, keep my lamp burning; my God turns my darkness into light.
Please visit tomorrow to see what happens...

ferree

3 comments:

  1. So many times I feel like I've been left behind. My tears don't bother me. In fact, I welcome them because after crying, I feel a sense of relief until the next time I cry.

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  2. Those feelings are so powerful, Candy, we have a lot in common, especially that the Lord is caring for and guiding us through it all. I like how you're able to welcome the tears now. ((hugs))

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  3. I never thought about it like that. Like Matt and God off in Heaven having a good time without me. I just missed and miss him like crazy. At first my tears did bother me because I was raised to show no emotion, but I am learning that that was not healthy and that it is okay to show emotion. I Loved the quote that you shared.

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