Thursday, November 8, 2012

Crying: Does it ever stop?

Dear Reader,
Here's an email that came to me on Tuesday, and I know that many of you will have similar experiences to tell. With the sender's permission, I've posted her thoughts today in hope that YOU will reply because I know that you have some very valuable wisdom to share.
How about it? Can you offer a thought or two for this widow who's husband passed in January of this year?Click on the comment line below, or send me an email reply and I will post it for you. Sincere thank you's from both my new friend and myself.
***
     I wish I could meet all of you. I love reading the stories and cry with sadness and joy over all of them.
     Crying is my problem. Does it ever stop? Sometimes I feel like people think I’m crazy. I can cry at a moments notice.
     Does it ever stop?
     My husband passed away Jan. this year, 2 weeks before our 10thanniversary.
     We never got to say goodbye. He went into the ER with complications from his liver cancer and he was given a sedative and never regained conscious. 18 hours later I was telling the staff to turn off the machines (that thought still haunts me, but I know it is what he wanted,not to be kept alive by machines.) his eyes were open at the end. The eyes that made me fall in love with him. I pray he heard me tell him how much I love him.
     I get so frustrated at night. Going to bed without him is the hardest part of all. And then when I sleep I don’t dream of him and that’s what I want most of all.
     It’s been 9 months and I feel the pain like it was yesterday.
     Do the tears ever stop? Maybe I just want the sadness tears to stop and the happy memory tears to take over.
     Someone tell me I’m not crazy cause I have met people that think I should be over it. I think they are wrong.
***
Waiting to hear from you,ferree
 
 
 
 
 

21 comments:

  1. I have no words of wisdom to share,but a similar plea. It is two days less than two years since my husband died and all I want to do i cry and at the same time I want to not cry all the time.I empathize with this woman in the feeling of going crazy.Lord help us widows to live one day at a time.

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  2. You are so fresh into this grief. Tears are good. They are healing. Grief takes a long time to process. I lost my husband two years ago this coming January. I still have sad moments, but I can tell you it is much better. Be patient with yourself and very kind to yourself in this process. Remember the Lord is very close to the widow. Read Christian grief literature, but most of all immerse yourself in the promises of God's Word. I know it seems impossible for you to believe at this early stage but trust that the Lord has a future and purpose for you. You would not be here if He didn't.

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  3. I also wonder if the crying will ever stop. Permit me, please, to share a part of my journey. For 8 months and for many reason, I cried alone. My family thought it would be good to take me to a movie. The movie was a tender love story, and about three fourths through the movie, tears started to fall silently in the darkness. They became uncontrollable to where I started to sob. I thought I was okay but I was only fooling myself. For the next 2 months, I could not stop spontaneous outbursts of crying, in private and in public. It was then that my pastor recommended professional grief counseling. I'm just beginning the start of tiny baby steps to cope with my grief. I pray to God that my uphill journey will continue. Be patient with yourself, dear friend.

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  4. Dear One, tears are a part of our grief and I believe as they wash over our heart they in time help to heal the pain of being without the one we so dearly love. People who have not yet experienced having their husband or wife begin living in Heaven do not yet understand that we are forever changed, that learning to live without our loved one is a process. The one who shared everything with us is present only in our memories and these memories remind us of what we so dearly miss. I pray for your comfort as you 'see' the beautiful eyes you fell in love with. Yes, tears will lessen in time but mine still fall after 28 months - at unexpected times and at thoughts of memories of which many are now 'comfort memories'. Dear One, please feel love and understanding being sent to you.

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  5. No sweetie, you are NORMAL not crazy! Grief is a journey, and you must allow your tears to come when they need to. And you must also allow yourself to take some healing steps. There are wonderful books that were a great help to me and I should tell you that in those first several months it was hard for me to concentrate on reading the Bible. I wanted so desperately to find books that spoke to me specifically about grief and being a widow! The one I read first was sent to me by a friend called "The God of all Comfort" and throughout the book the writer speaks about her own story, which helped me because I wanted to identify with another widow...It was that raw and rugged time like where you are now and it was the book I needed at the time. I read 4 or 5 times! I felt in my heart that only they (and God) understood. I was right about that by the way. She also focused on verses from the Psalms and music. This book was one of many I read. Feree Hardy's book, "Postcards from the Widow's Path," is the latest book and I highly recommend it! Ferre's book is a treasure! Very unique study of widows through the book of Ruth. I had tears streaming gratitude for this one! You will be blessed by reading it. There are topics you may not yet be ready to hear about such as the possibility of dating, but read it anyway, filing it away in your heart for a maybe someday. Her book is so easy to read for tender hearts and minds. I encourage to read both these books with a notebook, pen, and highlighter nearby. Taking steps like this right now will prepare you for the next thing, like possibly a support group. But I really feel like the first stages of grief is where we must have some solitude in heaping doses along with words from another widow or two. Which leads me to say this: I came then to a point that I still needed and longed for more meaningful connections with other widows. I searched and found Feree's blog which then led me to Lifeboat2. What a help and a joy! You would not believe how close you can become to one another here. It's such a good, safe plave to vent, ask for prayer, share daily stuff, whatever it is. You will realize quickly that you are NOT alone and most assuredly not crazy! You need this right now dear sister. I urge you to go there! Love and prayers, Helen

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  6. Once I read that the deeper the love the deeper the pain when you lose that love. For us widows the loss is often sudden and we were not ready for it. Who can possibly ever be ready to lose someone they love so completely. You need to cry, as often as you need to and no one can tell you, you should not be crying at this point. Tears are healing. If you have not found a GriefShare group you will find them helpful. A group I have been to is full of loving, caring, crying people who have great losses in their lives also. It does help. Books have also helped me understand some of my feelings and understanding them for me is helpful to move through my grief. There is great comfort in the Word of God. At first I did not see the point, even though I love the Lord and for many years his word has been my guide this is different. How can this help me now? I would say. All the time knowing the wisdom of my heavenly Father was exactly what I needed. So I did it ignoring my feelings (feelings are so untrustworthy) asking the Lord to show up and help me as I sought his help for my deep grief. He will give you comfort, peace and wrap His loving arm around you my dear sister.
    Does that mean you will stop crying? No, I haven't but when I feel the grief starting to overwhelm my thoughts I run to the Word and sit in my Father's lap and wait to hear from Him. He has never failed. He loves you with an everlasting love. He has not left you alone. He is right there beside you. Finally, I goggled 'christian widows' looking for others who could help me through my grief. They would understand what I was saying. They would give me a hug with advise, exceptance, sharing burdens and unconditional love. The Lifeboat2 ladies are Jesus in action. We are all in this lifeboat together now but we won't always be. I believe that now. Our eyes are focused on the shore and Jesus is in this lifeboat with us, cheering us on each day. You are welcome to come on board and find rest as long as you want. Blessings.

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  7. My heart goes out to you. Cry as much as you need to. I am at about 13 months and the crying has lessened but I don't miss my hubby any less. Please find comfort with those of us who understand. Nobody should ever tell you to be "over it." Grieve as you need to, and please reach out to us!
    Lauren

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  8. Yes, they are wrong for telling you to get over it. I've only been on this journey for 6 months but sometimes I think there is something wrong because the tears won't come. I believe I've only had 3 good cries since my love died. I wish I could just let it go and wish those tears would just flow freely. We are all so different. God made us individually unique and we will grieve in different ways and in as much or little time that we need. You are not crazy for crying, you have lost the love of your life and only those who have experienced the same loss understand. Praying for you dear sister.

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  9. from: Kathye Allen
    Before my husband passed, I rarely cried. He was the teary, sentimental one. Now, after almost 5 months I've cried buckets of tears and I can tear up in an instant.
    I don't think there is anything wrong with still crying daily and I don't think there is anything wrong with your still crying a lot at 9 mmonths. But for me I try to keep my focus on better not bitter even through my tears. Sometimes it is just "doing the next thing". I would also ask myself if after a teary session, "do I feel a little better or do I feel worse?" Usually for me the tears are cleansing and I feel a little better. If this is not the case, and you feel more and more depressed then you might consider some counseling. Talking to someone who has an objective view point can be very helpful.
    As for people saying you should "be over it". Remember this is a process we go through no a hurdle to get over. You are the one to decide when you are healed.

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  10. You have lost your loved husband and you are grieving for him. Your emotions are normal dear friend. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.Its a long hard journey but you will get through. Take one step at a time and don't be too hard on yourself. If you haven't already, find someone whom you can share with and talk to.

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  11. Dear sister - how my heart aches for you as I remember the early months of this journey. There was a time when I would not go into public without knowing that I could leave quickly in case the tears came. You have no reason to be ashamed by your tears or concerned by the amount of tears you have. You hurt honey and hurting people need to cry. Widows each react differently - there is no "one size fits all" for grief. There is however a common bond we share with each other - we "get it" when the world around us does not. Ferree has established a wonderful supportive group on Facebook for all of us "sisters in sorrow" - I lovingly invite you to consider joining us - we will love you and support you and walk with you through each step of your journey. Be at peace dear one - for He loves you so.

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  12. Please go ahead and cry when you need too,what has happened to you is something that brings tears. It's been 7months since my husband went to be with the Lord and I still cry. I remember some people telling me that I will cry for the rest of my life....what they meant is that there will probably be times like the children's graduations, their weddings or other less significant things that may trigger tears.others felt after the funeral, i put the 'past' behind me and get on with life. I didn't want to mourn and cry for the rest of my life and i also knew that I couldn't just put my life with my husband behind easily and quickly.
    Many times I get emotional in public and so I learnt to master and hold back the tears. I would tell my self to hold on and have a good cry at home or when I am alone but when I got to be alone the tears won't come and I found the pent up emotions made me sad and depressed however when I cry feel so much better. Last week I cried in a bank....just couldnt hold back but felt better. We are all different and grieve differently but we all cry some cry more than others. I also have found books so helpful one of the 1st I read was 'When God doesn't make sense' by Dr. James Dobson it helped me tremendously at the time reading the Bible was hard but I began to make my self read only portions that comforted me and with time I was able to spend more time in the word and prayer and God has spoken so beautifully to me through His word and I know He'll do the same for you. Halima

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  13. I don't know if the tears will end. However, I can encourage you with the fact that it does get easier as time passes. I have been on my widowhood journey for over 3 1/2 years, and the tears still come on occasion, usually due to some grief triggers. I thank God for the tears and the release that they provide. When you have loved deeply, it takes a long time for your heart to be restored.

    Give yourself permission to take all the time you need. You may need the Lord's help to forgive those who think you should be "over it". They can't understand, never having been where you are right now. I don't believe we ever get to that place where we are "over it". We just learn to accept our reality; we adjust, and move forward the best we can with the Lord's help. We get used to life without our loved ones and we learn to embrace the life we have now. I have found that it is very important to be intentional to search for the joy that each new day has in store. If you can count your blessings in spite of the pain in your heart, you will feel better as you thank God for all the good things that still remain. You will find that you have many reasons to smile again, as you know your husband would want you to.

    What you are experiencing is normal, healthy and necessary. May the Lord wrap you in His blanket of comfort and flood your heart and home with His peace. Be patient and kind to yourself, dear one. It is okay to smile and laugh again. You'll see. Brighter days are coming!

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  14. Heavenly Father,
    I have prayed this prayer many times....it echos how I feel still...My voice carries the cries of death. I cannot silence the sobs. There are days I cannot
    seem to utter the words to offer up a prayer to you. Help me to remember that You
    already know my heart. You already know this grief I feel. Hold me close, Father. Let me rest in You. Amen.

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  15. Deborah said:

    I wish I could give you wisdom, words of comforting, but I just recently lost my husband 1 month and 8 days ago to 2 years of fighting brain cancer...I've read all that have commented and they all have very good wisdom, understand why you are crying buckets. I too cannot stop crying and feel like I've created another Niagara Falls, and although my hubby's passing is newer than yours I have already had people say to me… you need to move on, crying isn’t going to help. Unless they have walked in our shoes (which they haven't) they cannot understand the grief we are going through. From my understanding from the Grief seminar I just attended held by Dr. H. Norman Wright, every widow/widower grieving time is different and some will grieve a year and others 3-5 years. He stated don't let anyone rob you of your grief, you have the right to grieve as long as it takes. God will start to heal you as he sees fit and until that time cry, write a letter to your loved one if there were things left unsaid. Dr. Wright said, put an empty chair (he has a book on that) in front of you with a picture or name and then read that letter to your loved one. Will it cause you to cry more? Possibly, but it will also help heal that broken heart. I too long for dreams of my sweet husband and they haven't happened yet but have been told that our mind works differently when we grieve and as time moves on, so will come the sweet dreams of your loved one. Holding you up in prayer!!!

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  16. Go ahead and cry! I made the mistake of pushing my grief to the background because I had too many responsibilities; like the other gal, I told myself I'd take time to cry later. Gradually that part of my heart got a callous over it or something; all I know is now I CAN't cry and I feel this pressure inside at the same time I feel cold & empty. I think it is healthier to let yourself cry when you need to; I think we need to release the anguish & express the pain. Don't listen to those who tell you to "get over it" - it takes time to heal from an amputation!

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  17. I must tell you as the others have, NO ONE understands a widow's grief. I am now 17 months into my grief journey. I lost my son at age 21. He was killed in a car accident. I grieved him a long time also, however, the two griefs were still different. Others feel that since they have had losses of loved ones, that they know what it is like for those of us grieving the loss of their mate. Each one of us still also grieve differently. I would feel my grief hurting more and more and could not release it until I almost burst. I read in a book for widows to go sit in a special place, or hold an item of his and will yourself to let down. I hated it when I did start to cry. It felt so horrible. I would sob for a good 1 1/2 hours. I would come close to being physically sick. My crying is less and less now. Both less in occurance and in duration. A widow friend of mine says she has learned to give grace to others that say wrong things to her. They just do not KNOW better. I too can assure you that you must allow yourself to cry. Those tears cleanse and heal your broken heart. Someday you will realize that you are indeed crying less often.Will you have many ups and downs. Level times and bad times. But one day you will realize you have started to heal. Reach out to others and find widows to talk to. May God Bless you. Always remember that He made you as you are, that He understands and that He is there holding your right hand. He can only do good, and you WILL find your way in this new, unwanted life once again. Kathy

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  18. Hi, I am so sorry for the sorrowfulness of your loss...I so remember those first months...I thought I would never stop crying or even be able to move on in living life without my hubby. It is now a little over 2 years for me...and I still miss him dearly, but the crying has ease from being a non-stop waterfall and I am no longer frozen, but I still do cry now and then. Please do allow yourself to cry...and cry...its part of the healing process. And don’t worrying about what others think, their lives have not been changed like yours and us…so take hold of mercy toward them…sadly they will someday understand you and they may turn to you for understanding and comfort. Maybe you can meet with a Christian counselor weekly as I did, who can show you how Jesus is waiting to walk with you thru this valley of grief and even cry with you…for He so understands. I do know that it is so hard for you right now to even consider of taking any step forward, please please do consider joining us at LifeBoat2 where so many of us await you to help you on this path. Praying for God to hug you with His comfort and to see you soon on LifeBoat2, we sisters together are healing, come and heal with us!

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  19. Hi, so sorry, I forgot to put my name on the response;

    Hi, I am so sorry for the sorrowfulness of your loss...

    Looking so forward to seeing you on board on LifeBoat2, now or when you are ready... praying for you with love, Miriam

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  20. Please do not let anyone tell you that you should be over your grief. No one can decide that for you. Our loved ones did not leave us nor did we leave them. It certainly was not our choice for this to happen. The love that we had had not left either. That is still very much with us and living through us. So cry when you need to. I was not one to cry before my husband passed but I cry now. It has been two years November 3rd. He died three weeks to the day from when we received the diagnosis of pancreatic cancer. I am glad he did not linger longer and suffer more. It was very hard to watch him slip away so quickly. I am not over him when every thing about my life reminds me that he is no longer here. Take one day at a time, become involved with a Christian group of women who can identify with your loss and stay in God's word. He will grant your heart comfort and an incredible peace like no other. Sending you prayers and love...Andrea

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  21. I cried as if there would be another tomorrow. And what I would like to say to your friend. Cry! Cry like there is no tomorrow. Because there will be. And it will be better. It really will be better, even if it's not tomorrow.

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