Tuesday, May 16, 2017

Red Flags In Dating (part 2) -- What If They're Preferences Instead?

Please be sure to read yesterday's post which started this conversation. We continue today. Each different colored font is a different person. Join in with your comments either day. It's always worthwhile to hear from more!

Reading and thinking through things here, I do think that we need to be careful about what is a red flag and what is something that you don't prefer. Some one mentioned being late all the time. My dearly departed was always running late, always. It was simply because he just didn't have that internal clock, he didn't mark the passage of time well. 29 years together and he was always late. But oh what a wonderful, kind, humble loving man he was. I hate to think what I would have missed if I dropped him because he was late for every single date.

When you're not sure, time is an amazing clarifier; as are background checks, health history, and financials!

Not all of the above are automatic deal-breakers. God's grace is deep. Time does reveal. Of course this guy did not show all of these character traits at first.....it was a gradual process, like a frog in a pot of boiling water. The phrase it took to wake me was this: "I don't know whoever told you red is your color. It's not." My response: "Ummmm...everybody's told me that for my entire life? So when you finally hear something you know to be a lie, you begin to look at things differently. And yes, I'm in counseling to make sure this never happens again!

Here's my two cents worth. One or two of these things alone do not signal run, they are only red flags if there are many of them! Let's face it, we all have red flags in our lives! So, particularly in a long distance relationship where you have never met, these are some "scammer" red flags: *His phone does not have a name on the caller ID, rather says "unknown" or something similar (not to be confused with blocked, which I ALWAYS did the first conversation or two). *Googling his number shows a city/area different from his stated residence. 
*Often questions of a personal nature are slow to be answered or he suddenly has to run and will answer them later, but never does. When pushed he asks you to be patient because he's so busy or flies off the handle and accuses you of not trusting him. 
*He pushes that you should trust him right out the gate. 
*He starts talking about his finances. Even if he doesn't mention yours at first. 
*He says he wants to meet, but something always comes up and he can't. 
*He has no one in the whole world. Parents deceased, no siblings, no children, no relatives, no one. 
*The name of the church he said he attends doesn't exist. 
*He will not give you information on anyone who can be a reference for him or he is all alone and doesn't know anyone. 
*Never provides an address where he lives and a google search of his city doesn't come up with anything. 
*He is a widower or divorced, but a public records search for his ex or deceased wife reveals nothing, no marriage, divorce, or death records. 
*He is self-employed but a public records search for his licensing through his city, county, or state comes up empty. 
*He is unavailable on week-ends for one reason or another, always! 
Just a few that I ran across. And one dude met almost every single one of these criteria. When I asked about them, he disappeared. LOL (Readers, I love how she used public records to try to verify his information. You don't need to be a detective to do this, try it! ~ferree)

Now for red flags when you have met. 
*He's resistant to you knowing where he goes to church or tells you he does not want you to go there. 
*He assures you that he would never treat you, your children, or grandchildren "like that!" but he treats others that way 
*He pushes you to more than you are comfortable with physically or emotionally. 
*He expects far more than he is willing to give. 
*He is never wrong. (This one is true with scammers too. A disagreement is always your fault, you are always unreasonable.) 
*He begins asking you to pay for dates or asks for loans or your specific financial information (Also scammers! RUN!!!!!) Remember, some scammers operate face-to-face. 
*He has multiple divorces. 
*He has only had short-term relationships. 
*You do all the pursuing. 
*He is inordinately interested in or affectionate with your children or grandchildren. 
*You are always "over-reacting" or taking something the wrong way. 
*Others in his life warn you that he can be difficult or that you should be careful. 
I guess some of these could be simply a matter of taste, but basically, if being around him makes you feel "less" during dating, remember, he's on his best behavior now!

There's no such thing as a perfect man. We all have faults. What you have to really look out for as a red flag once you are actually seeing someone is this: are you a better you around him? If not, then maybe that's a red flag.

The quote "know that God will not call you into a dysfunctional relationship while he heals someone---" I can't think of any scriptural support for it, but it makes great sense. I wonder if this is where women can get into trouble by giving too much grace and thinking God is calling them to help some man. Sure, we all have our baggage and imperfections, but if you have an overnight bag while he needs a tractor-trailer, it's time to move on.

(Reply) "...that's exactly why i stayed so long. i knew he was a wounded bear. i thought i could love him while God healed him. But then i realized he was hurting me (verbally, emotionally) and i had to get out. i do not want my daughter to grow up thinking that's how women should be treated.

You know, I think that's a good way to help determine whether these are concerns are imperfections we can live with or serious red flags: is this the person we want our children to hang out with, be influenced by, for the rest of our lives as a family? Again, it doesn't have to be all perfect, because no one is, but there should be a gut feeling that the kids are going to be blessed by this (or have potential to, as they warm up to the situation).

2 comments:

  1. Great advice in this article. You can find so much information about someone for Free these days on the internet. When you find something , places, dates, work place, census records, etc. write it down and as your relationship develops you can just verify that the date, places and people are matching up with what you are being told. When I first explored dating, for the purpose of marriage if God was in that plan, I ran these kinds of searches and background checks on maybe 2 or 3 people. I only did this on someone I was drawn to in the Spirit. At first I felt like I was prying into some sacred place or private place but the Spirit urged me to be safe because you are a women alone and unfortunately that is where dishonest people look for their prey. We are instructed: Behold, I send you forth as sheep in the midst of wolves: be ye therefore wise as serpents, and harmless as doves. God blessed me with a husband and I did eventually tell him in a conversation once, "Oh yes I did a seek on you. You passed. :)

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thank you for those excellent tips and words of wisdom!

    ReplyDelete

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