Monday, April 10, 2017

The Cry of The Lonely Heart

Dear Reader,

The following words are from a widow about a really dark time that many have gone through. The details are different from widow to widow. . . ages of the kids, the length of the marriage, cause and suddenness of death . . . But the outlook is the same for many widows --- a vast and lonely future. The pain seems unbearable.

As you read the following, think about how you relate and how she can carry on. What helped you? Please leave a comment to tell what pulled you through.

In the last year I turned 37, and my husband of seventeen years was killed by a large object flying off a tandem truck. He had just turned 39. We had four children who are still in school. I homeschooled them and was a stay-at-home mother since our first child was born.
I found people in the very beginning! But now no one visits or calls. I am alone so much that I cannot bear it. I am seeking the Lord through it. But I long for love with skin on.
My prayer is that God brings a husband. In my age group other people do not have time for others. They are more interested in their own lives.
It is very hard.


I remember well the same sort of struggle! The loneliness was like someone had beat up my soul--I felt so bruised and sore. Psalm 34:18 described my condition,
The Lord is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
I was brokenhearted and crushed like the psalm described.
But it also described true hope---The LORD is close--and He saves. Although I didn't "feel" like God was close I kept blindly crying out to Him over and over.

Would you believe that my need and loneliness were what God used to steer me to meet people who would build me up and fill me up with God's truth? I replied to this dear widow the following:

In my opinion it's fine to ask God for a husband, but realize that a husband may not be the best solution. Watch for other ways God may come to your rescue. Perhaps God will use your loneliness to connect you to a new set of Christian friends through attending a grief support group, finding a Christian counsellor, or reaching out to help other single moms who are also trying to honor God by homeschooling.
God loves you and has a divine purpose for you. He will enable you to carry on and raise your children well. It's really hard to make all the decisions by yourself so just take one day at a time. Present each moment to God, and--as the experienced widow and Bible teacher, Elisabeth Elliott used to say, "Just do the next thing."

However, there is wisdom in many counsellors and I know that many of you can offer insight and direction for this situation too. Please comment today. Share your experience and how to seek God in similar circumstances. Your words are part of the process of grief that God uses to restore and renew us.
ferree

4 comments:

  1. The loneliness is unbearable. Yet we bear it with God's help. I too had a lot of phone calls in the beginning and now I'm exhausted from searching for someone to talk to or eat with. I don't have small children and I couldn't imagine having to care for them at this particular time. I just had my grandkids last night and I thought how much harder it was without my husband helping me. It has only been 15 months since my husband passed away and I'm still trying to figure Out how to live life without him. Now instead of reaching out to friends that are exhausted from my grief, I've joined some meet up groups to try to meet new friends. I also went to Griefshare (Griefshare.org) for the first year of my husband's death even though it's only a 13 week program I just kept going and it helped me tremendously learn to understand the feelings I was dealing with. But it also helped me understand that it is God who will sustain me through this very lonely time God is my comfort and my husband right now. Even when I was trying to put in my kitchen faucet in the nuts were too tight and I couldn't get them loose I prayed and asked the Lord to be my husband's strong hands and when I reached up they were loose. God is there for the simple things too we just need to ask. I still cry every day because I miss him so much. It is hard to find people at my age that aren't married. Paul said it is better to be alone so our focus will be on pleasing God rather than our spouse. I try to focus on that and the purpose God has for me on this earth. I know I must live my life for God and the great commission. I occupy most my time with growing deeper with God and building our relationship. Writing this I notice I still have his name on my google account. Another change to make.

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    Replies
    1. Dear Angie, We make these changes as we go along. There's an old song that says "He (God) makes all things beautiful in His time." So we do this grief journey in God's time, regardless of what others say or think. It takes a while, and the loneliness is very acute in the second year. You are doing the right thing in reaching out though. And it's ok to go back to GriefShare too. You can still get a lot out of it, but also you will be a role model to the others there as you live out your commitment to God. Paul's words are hard and sometimes seem harsh but he wrote them out of great love. God will provide his loving kindness for you as you continue to seek him. Keep on keeping on, this time of deep sorrow won't last forever.

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  2. Hello. I can relate to the original poster. As I've posted previously, I lost my husband just over two months ago. He was killed suddenly in a car accident while driving two of my children home from ball practice. Like the original poster, I am a stay at home mom and I homeschool our six children. I'm nervous about our future and my capabilities as they relate directly to homeschooling and raising my children alone. While I don't hope to live the rest of my life alone, I do know for the time being my sole focus has to be pouring into my children...so I'm doing that the best I possibly can. Some days I do a decent job, but most days right now I pretty much have nothing to give. Sometimes I just fake it.

    Many of the friends and family that promised to be around to support us have already dropped off over the last month once my son (also injured in the accident) was released from the hospital. I do have two friends who have continued to stand with me, but honestly I fear they will grow tired of supporting me at some point too. My greatest desire at this early point is to find people similar in age, family and values...who has actually walked through this type of loss and grown to a point of feeling alive again. I want to be happy. I want to smile and laugh. I want to be a good mom to our children. And I want to honor my husband and the legacy he left. I'm not sure if it's too early to say I hope to remarry some day down the road, but I think I would like that. However, I want it to be a God thing. I mean, let's be honest...with six kids...it would have to be.

    I wish I could give advice, but really I'm too freshly into this journey to do anything but absorb wise council...and sometimes even that is too difficult. God's plan for us has to be better than where we are right now. It's the time of wandering that is always most difficult, especially when you are wandering through immense grief. I just try to keep believing God has something amazing in store for our family. It's that hope that pushes me when I have nothing else to hold onto.

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    Replies
    1. Dear Lindsay, Talking/writing things out at this point while the grief is so fresh and raw not only helps you but it also helps others even though you feel you can't give any advice. Advice is usually the last thing we need right now, instead we need solid help! Keep watching for the new people God will send into your life (make sure they are from GOD and that they're not wolves in sheeps clothing!). I often quote my friend Myra who said, "In saving your kids we save ourselves." So concentrating on your kids is one thing you will not regret! I understand how nervous you can be about your future with six kids. A new husband isn't an automatic solution, but I do know other women with six at home who have remarried! (My friend Rhonda now has 8!)
      Just take one day, one step, sometimes just the next breath, and keep reaching out to the Lord and those around you. God knows everything you're up against---and He cares. <3 I'll be praying for both you and Angie.

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