Monday, October 24, 2011

The Bad Dream Part of It

I think the following letter describes how we've all probably felt--wishing we could wake up and find everything back the way it was . . . It's important to share these feelings. Something about bringing them out into the open helps enlarge our souls to encompass and absorb the pain. By telling our own story and hearing the stories of others the shock and trauma slowly becomes manageable. That's what this blog is all about, by God's grace. And then, one day, a bit of hope and new life begins to sprout out of the darkness and bad dream part of it.
"I have been really struggling the past few weeks. I am finding myself so totally overwhelmed by the responsibility of all this—the kids, the house, the finances. My husband and I always shared all of this and it is so hard to not have someone to talk everything over with. I think the hardest thing for me is not being alone so much as being lonely. I know that there are numerous people out there to help me and who are willing to help, but it’s having that one person who knows what you are thinking before you speak, knows everything about you and lets you be totally yourself that I miss the most.

I find myself crying more now than before– did that happen to you? Maybe the shock has finally worn off? I feel like I am living a dream and the phone will ring and it will be my husband calling from South Africa or someplace. He traveled for 3 to 4 weeks at a time so being here alone isn’t that strange, but not having the e-mails and phone calls breaks my heart. Every time I go into my e-mail I want to see his address there with a message. I want to drive to the airport and pick him up from a very long trip but I know that’s not possible and I struggle with that.

I keep trying to find blessings in all of this . . . But it’s so hard to let go of all our dreams and plans and try to imagine a life on my own. I didn’t plan or want to be a single person or parent but I guess God had other plans for me. I’m just so unsure what they are.

Sometimes it’s hard for me to be totally honest with those close to me. I am trying to do that, but I don’t want to be a burden to them. I don’t want to intrude on people’s lives and add more to what they themselves are already dealing with. And I know they struggle with not really understanding what this is like—I know I never did until I reached this place myself. There are no words to describe the pain and grief or the intensity of it."

What do you relate to most in this letter? Please add your comment below or email me at Sharing can be hard, but you'll help yourself and help others if you do.


  1. Oh how I miss that one person who loved me no matter what I did or said. I miss the hugs,the kisses and just the togetherness.

  2. It has been four years and I still wish I could phone my husband on the way home from work; last night I was thinking how nice it would be to have him give me a hug and hold my hand while I told him about all the concerns of the day.
    I think this kind of loneliness is so hard- so hard to express and I kind of feel guilty about it. It is validating to see it expressed here today.

  3. After two and a half years of widowhood, I so relate to this letter. I think that much of the healing power of blogging comes from the gift of having a place to share your story and knowing that others understand and validate as athenainsavannah said.

    Thank you, Ferree, for sharing this and encouraging us in the hard work of grieving. I loved the photo in this post. It speaks hope to my broken but healing heart!

  4. Loneliness is a struggle, and then we're very prone to feel guilty about it, too! Thank you both for sharing, because you speak for a huge number of widows. We can all learn from one another.

  5. Renee, I hope everyone will click on your name to visit your latest posts about autumn and your anniversary. You show by example some intentional ways to face these days of changing seasons and the changing chapters in a widows life. You're very encouraging!

  6. I think she summed it up pretty well! I do feel blogging and talking about what one is swapping with helps tremendously in the healing process. The loneliness of not having your most intimate friend around is the longest lasting hardness for me but it has indeed forced me to seek the Father and rely on Him in ways I might not have had D not died.

  7. Thank you for this article. It spoke of so much that I have been thinking about. I was at WCP everyday last week. But then found myself braking down and weeping, sobbing uncontrolled. So I vowed not to return. But because I have had several close friends tell me that I am not allowing myself to go through the grieving process and I really don't want to stuff all this hurt down so deep that I can't deal with it. I have returned. WCP maybe the only help that can I get right now. Thank you again.

  8. It sounds like it's been a really rough week, Patty. I'll be praying for you especially today. And feel free to email me There's an ebb and flow to grief, and sometimes we need to quit working at it so hard and just rest--that doesn't always mean we're avoiding it, it just means we need a break--a weekend away, a show, a walk, a phone call, painting, or a hobby you enjoy, etc. I'll be praying . . .


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