Monday, June 27, 2011

Would Have Been . . .

If Bruce were still living on this side of eternity, we would have celebrated our 33rd wedding anniversary this week. But, that is something that will never be. We only made it 22 1/2 years.

My life didn't turn out as I expected. It wasn't what I wanted. It's very different from anything I ever imagined. And here, from the other side of widowhood, I have a message for those of you wondering what it feels like after the first year, the next year, and the year after that, and the year after that -- I really didn't know if I'd make it, but I did. I survived, I grew.

I had a bunch of dreams tightly clenched in my fist--my life with Bruce, a future with him, career, home, and family. When he died, I lost them all. You know that pain. The emptiness, the loss: clenching my fist around nothing, I tried to recapture those dreams that had vanished. I gasped for hope like a fish on a hook flops around while dying for water.

I was afraid I'd die. I was afraid I wouldn't die.

And now I'm here. I'm OK. Tom and I had our 9th anniversary this year. Both of us were widowed in 2000 and we married each other in 2002. Life has been a roller coaster ever since, but this year our wedding anniversary was spent in that wonderful, blissful state of holy ordinary. We didn't even go out for dinner. It was more like, "Oh! It's our anniversary! Happy anniversary!" And the unremarkable comfortability of it was wonderful.

 I never before appreciated 'ordinary' so much.

I thought you'd like to know this about me. Not so you'd be happy for me, but rather that you'll be hopeful for you. God is good, and He's full of lovingkindness towards you, even though it might not seem like it right now.
ferree

5 comments:

  1. Thanks for sharing this and giving a glimpse of hope for the future.Ordinary is good,when we are surrounded by those we love.

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  2. Yes, thank you for sharing. So much to learn from each other. Ordinary is so comforting.

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  3. I want ordinary!
    Thanks for sharing - I am in my eighth week of widowhood and am just starting to get the revelation that life does go on regardless - that the past fades under the shadow of the present. Ordinary is what I miss most - comfortable, day to day, shoes off under the table, ordinary. Not mine yet for a while I know, but I am so pleased for you Feree.

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  4. I'm only in my second week of widowhood so I'm still at the point where I feel I will never have "ordinary" again. I have never knows such pain and loneliness.

    Kay

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  5. The pain is unbelievable at times it's so bad, but hang in there. One of these days the pendulum will swing back to some happiness you've never known either. It's a wild ride, learn all you can--that helps you know what to expect and understand what's happening to you---and hang on to Heaven, my friends!

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